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I just all of a sudden had the urge to write....A lot has been going on lately. Some good things and some not so good things. I want to share my experience, one side of a complicated story, not lay blame on anyone, just share my feelings as a type of therapy. I'm hoping it'll give me some clarity, but we shall see.
Exciting things have been happening in my life of late. I proposed to my partner and we are currently planning our engagement party for the end of the month. Happy times... To be fair, a lot of it has been happy, exciting and supportive. But a choice my sister and I made earlier this year is taking its toll during what is supposed to be a fantastic time of my life. A great myriad of events lead up to the choice we made to cease contact with our dad in March this year. It was not a decision either of us took lightly, and the time that has followed has not been easy at all.
I'll do my best to give a picture of what it was like growing up with a narcissistic, probably borderline parent. Borderline personality disorder, to my understanding, is a mental illness characterised by unstable relationships, a distorted sense of self and strong emotional reactions. Reading that and subsequent books I have purchased to attempt to understand this disorder rung so many bells in my head. I know this type of person all too well. So does my sister. So does my mum. Growing up consisted of: being ridiculed for how I looked or my weight, alienated from other members of my family if I had done something seen to be disloyal, watching my mum be berated for no apparent, logical reason, experiencing loud shouting matches between the four of us, being call a c**t and a bitch amongst other horrendous names behind our backs and being on a constant roller coaster of emotion where one moment you were the worst person in the world, hated even, to the opposite- "what's your problem? I'm over it, aren't you?" I could go on and on but you get the picture. Not always a fun time, but it was our normal for many years. We didn't really know any better.
Fortunately, after many years of what can only be described as constant emotional abuse, mum plucked up the courage to separate from dad and a marriage that had become too toxic to endure. He had moved out a few times in years previously, so we weren't sure if this time was for real. But mum had put up with enough. The separation was hard. He kept blurring lines, coming over whenever he pleased, putting my sister and me in awkward positions where he wanted us to choose sides. Typical divorce stuff, but without the referee (as I've now come to call mum), his behaviour started to escalate and spiral out of control. Without someone to focus his constant mood swings and anger towards, he became more and more unstable. Often resorting to calling my mum, my sister or me threatening suicide. Worried sick, we would try to call back-no answer, drive around looking for him-no sign, calling Lifeline for advice, only to get a hold of him a few hours later. He would say, "Aww I'm fine why are you worried?" Like it was out of this world that you would be worried about a loved one committing suicide. These situations are far too familiar to the three of us as we have become desensitised to his lies and desperate grasps for control and manipulation. It was interesting to watch how slowly but surely his abuse moved from mum-who stopped engaging and replying to abusive text messages and calls, to my sister and I. His main go to move would be to play us off against each other by talking about my sister to me, ragging on her for anything and everything he could think of. Naturally I'd let Kirsty know about these hurtful words, she would address it with him, he would lose it at me for sharing 'private' conversations we were having. He made me feel crazy a lot of the time and so guilty for seemingly upsetting him when really all he wanted to do was play the victim. Something he has done for as long as I can remember.
After the separation, as his behaviour spiralled out of control, Kirsty and I had less contact with him, hearing from him once or twice a month. I would normally hear from him more than Kirsty. Any contact would follow a pattern of catching up, him talking as much rubbish about our mum as he possibly could, we would ask him to stop, he'd play the victim saying things like, "I've lost everything, the love of my life, my house..." Not once has he taken any responsibility for the breakdown in his marriage and many other relationships. Professional victims seem to follow that pattern.
The straw that broke the camel's back came in March earlier this year. Kirsty had been at her wits end for a long time after copping a lot more abuse than me over our teenage years. He really set out to hurt her feelings and did some horrible things to her. In an off the cuff comment, he invited me to his birthday dinner the following Friday, guilt tripping me by saying "you never see my family." I said we would attend but made a point of asking if he was planning to invite Kirsty (his other daughter) to which his response was "Oh maybe. She only talks to me when she wants something, so we will see". Naturally this angered me greatly and I spoke to Kirsty about it as soon as he left. Obviously she raised it with him right away and his response was a flat out lie of, "I never said that." He then sent abusive messages to me about how I betrayed his trust by telling Kirsty and he was asking me for advice. Again, professional victim, he made me feel guilty and shit for what I'd supposedly done-nothing. Leading up to the dinner that week I kept asking Kirsty if she'd been extended an invite to which she answered no. I decided we would not attend as I was angry about him treating me so differently to his other daughter. This was met with much hostility and very abusive messages that basically told me to leave him alone, never speak to him again, enjoy my life with my own family. Basically every nasty thing under the sun. Sadly nothing new.
It was after this blow up that I decided to ignore his messages and give him zero contact. The best thing you can do with an ego like that is not give it any power. In the months to come, I received the odd message here and there asking if I was going to the footy, if I wanted a dryer-random stuff acting like he hadn't told me to get lost. Scrolling through my phone was like being on a roller coaster of emotional abuse-nice one moment, horrible the next. I ignored all of the messages. Never an apology. In my 28 years on this earth I have never heard him utter the word sorry genuinely.
The divorce was finalised some time within these months and my mum flourished! She finally blocked his number and could not be worried or hurt by him any more. Unfortunately that only meant that his anger would be directed elsewhere. After seeking advice from a psychologist, Kirsty spoke to me about sending dad a letter to set a clear boundary, outline our concerns and what we want going forward. Basically, it said we were sick of being treated poorly, we want him to get help, and we need to set a boundary where he doesn't contact us. If he wants a relationship at any point, he needs to seek help for his mental health issues. The lead up to sending this letter saw me book my own psych appointments because I foresaw the backlash coming my way. Mostly because dad knew Kirsty had been done with him a long time ago. I was the weak link. His last chance at any type of control. Seeing the psych has really helped me unpack my issues and deal with the residual guilt I keep feeling. Sure enough, after Father's Day I received a letter in my letter box from him written to both Kirsty and I. He didn't respect what we had asked for. He didn't seek help. He didn't apologise or take responsibility for anything. He still wanted to manipulate and control us. What he did do was trigger the shit out of me as I felt sick to my stomach when I saw the writing on the envelope. His letter, which was paired with old father's day cards-to remind us of good times, outlined how he had done nothing wrong, he will respect our decision (which he already hadn't) and how he is a good person. I didn't reply to that letter. I thew it away as it made me feel uneasy that he had driven to my house to drop it off.
That letter regressed my progress. I have never seen myself as an anxious person, but all of this repressed trauma is now rearing its ugly head because I am out of the cycle of abuse and am no longer in survival mode. My feelings are now being validated as they always should have been, but it is a foreign concept I still struggle with. I have more up and down days than I ever have but I think that's because I've never really been allowed to feel my feelings in a real way. It's bizarre and can be disconcerting, but therapy is really helping me work through it. Not to mention the amazing support network I am so lucky to have!
The engagment party is just over a week away. Everytime I think about whether I'd actually want my dad there or not, I am overcome with anxiety and fear. He would make the night about himself. He would verbally attack my mum like he's always done. He would stand in the corner snickering and making nasty comments about me and my sister all night. Why would I want that on our special night? Like I said, we didn't take the decision lightly. It is self respect and preservation at this point. What I am really struggling with at the moment, is the lack of understanding coming for people who really have no idea what has been happening behind closed doors for years. Everyone has their opinion, and a lot of them say, "But he's your dad." Yeah, and he is abusive. Just because someone is related to you, does not give them free reign to treat you like shit, does it? I have more respect for myself than that. So does Kirsty. So does mum.
I've been sent some very nasty messages from various loved ones. People giving an opinion on something they have A) only heard one side of (the side of a borderline, narcissist) and B) made zero effort to even understand why we have decided to do this. It's heartbreaking, and I wish it hadn't come to this, but in the end, our sanity has to prevail. I've found a new type of resilience that I didn't know I had. A type that allows me to accept the feelings, no matter how negative and hurtful, of family and friends who do not understand or empathise with what we have gone through. It still upsets me. But in the end, I can't control the feelings and outbursts of others. I can only control my reactions to them. Validating my feelings of hurt and distress has helped me come to terms with most likely being hated by a lot of people who used to love me. I'm ok with that. This new chapter of my life serves as restart with people I choose and people who choose me. To support me and my decisions.To understand me. To help me on my journey. That's what I've chosen. Not loyalty to family who don't support me. Not emotional abuse from anyone let alone a parent. Not pretending like everything is fine and dandy when it really is a shit show. NO. I'm at peace with that decision. I am so incredibly lucky to have the support I do. I have a long way to go, but this a new part of my life and everything that happens from now, is my choice.
Holly