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I had a thought today while I was at the gym: why do I let so many unimportant things dictate how I live my life? This year has been one of immense growth for me, but I tend to fall back into bad habits when I feel a bit off or down. Habits like: being a couch potato, avoiding leaving the house if I feel self conscious about my skin or how I look, eating junk and avoiding contact with friends or family. I've noticed a pattern. I do all of these fall back things when I feel conscious about how I look or how I am feeling. We all have our down days, that's life. But I've noticed lately that my down days are dictated by how I see myself. I don't often wake up feeling down. I become down when I perceive something about me that I don't like- my thing is skin imperfections and feeling frumpy. I'm starting to realise these are my feelings. I've removed the people in my life who were hurting me by saying nasty things and picking on my imperfections. I think that's why I get so triggered, I'm waiting for someone to say or ask me something about my perceived gross skin or whatever is in the forefront of my mind on that day.
I started writing that first paragraph over a month ago and I've come back to it today to continue with this topic. Most of the time, I have a pretty positive outlook on life. I can see the silver lining in almost any situation, but when I get into a funk, I really struggle to get myself out. Lately I've been in a bit of a funk. I can put it down to my insecurities about how I look, (just for something different). I've started to notice a cycle with my mindset and general attitude towards life. I get really down in the dumps and frustrated because I cannot pin point why I've had a skin outbreak or I can't work out why I generally feel gross. I avoid leaving the house, going to the gym, seeing my friends and family staying home to wallow in self pity-in a nutshell. I'm on holidays at the moment, so I've found it really easy to hide out at home watching endless Netflix shows and the Australian Open when I feel less than comfortable to face the outside world. This is how I deal when I feel like rubbish. I know it comes from an unhealthy place, and I want to change my habits. Growing up, I always felt judged about everything. It's hard to break the cycle and change your mindset to think, I actually look fine, no one else is bothered except me. I'm writing about this topic because I want to come to terms with how I am hard wired and to let others know it's ok to feel like this sometimes. But how do we work through it?
I won't lie, since we got back from a short holiday in early January, I haven't felt like myself. My skin broke out from the change of climate/food who knows. All I know is I felt like an absolute troll who didn't want to be around anyone. My mood was low and I felt like if I spoke to or hung out with anyone I'd just bring them down too. It's so frustrating having a condition where you cannot pinpoint the triggers. I've changed my diet and I spend obscene amounts of money of herbal treatments, yet I still break out. I feel so down and upset when this happens and the internal self talk comes out saying: 'what's the point of changing my diet if it doesn't work?!' I've started to realise environmental factors and stress effect the very delicate balance that is my body. I still get angry about it, but I'm really trying to change my mindset towards it. It's ok to feel crap and low sometimes. Acknowledging these feelings is the first step. It's ok to have mental health days at home until you feel ok to reenter the world. I tend to beat myself up for staying home thinking I'm lazy and I should be utilising my holidays effectively. Why? Getting myself in the right space before I go back to work is important. So I am trying to retrain myself to think, hey you need a break, take it easy so you feel better. It's taken a while, but I think I am ok doing that now. I hope everyone can cut themselves a little slack and take that timeout when needed.
Take care of yourselves
Holly