Life Changes

It's been a hot minute...a lot has happened in my life since I last posted; I got married, moved house away from the first home we built together, became a deputy principal at the school I taught at and more recently won a new job down south and moved again at the beginning of 2023. I've since moved back to Perth and 2024 is all very unknown for me. I've had a lot of time alone in the past year and have been reflecting on what's important to me while learning a lot about myself as a person.

I'll start from the beginning of this new adventure...

2022 was HARD, really hard. For me, Covid wasn't even the hardest thing about it. I got to a point where I was so stressed I was hoping I'd get it so I could have a week off. You know when you get to that point things are not exactly going well. I found it interesting reading through my journal from 2022 where a pattern formed early on. I was stressed at work, so I filled my life with fun, social activities on weekends and in my spare time as well as regular trips to the gym and weekend walks to keep my body moving and my mind clear, but I still got the Sunday scaries, dreading the week ahead. The 2022 work year felt like I was always anticipating and waiting for something to happen. I always felt on edge and worried about what could happen . And when things did go wrong, they really wore me down and stripped my confidence away slowly but surely. I don't know about you, but when things get tough, I start looking around at others and my inner voice says things like; 'you aren't strong enough, other people could handle this' or 'look at them, they're handling all of this fine why aren't you?' Rewiring your brain is hard after many years living in survival mode, but ongoing stressful situations see me revert back to old ways of thinking. Work was relentless in 2022 and I was seriously worried about my health with how much non Covid sick leave I had to take. Something had to change.

I'd known for a little while I was ready to move on to work at a different school-one I hadn't been a teacher at before becoming a deputy. I applied for up over 15 deputy positions and interviewed for around 7. All great experiences that served as a networking opportunity when I was unsuccessful. I was beginning to lose hope and seriously thought I'd have to go back into the classroom just to give myself a break. In Week 9 of Term 4, I interviewed for a Deputy job at a district high school down south. I remember getting the call and thinking, why not? What have I go to lose? I drove the 2.5 hours down, interviewed and was offered the permanent job before I'd even made it back home to Perth. I was overwhelmed but excited. This was it, my ticket to a new beginning and a new adventure outside of my comfort zone. Things felt like they moved quickly over the summer holidays; organising somewhere to live, moving bits and pieces down and sorting out how my husband could be down with me every second week working remotely.

The beginning of the 2023 school year was hard. I said goodbye to my husband, family and friends to drive down and live alone for the first time ever. I cried a lot on that drive and on many drives from Perth that followed in 2023. My new school was a great place to work. Everyone was friendly, I felt like I actually knew what I was doing (most of the time) and was welcomed by the whole community. I grew a lot as a leader in 2023 and will be forever thankful for that. I was happy with my decision to move and change schools, overwhelmed at times but happy. The environment was a better fit for me, but I still felt stressed and sad a lot of the time. 2023 felt like I was always waiting for something. Waiting for school holidays, waiting for a weekend in Perth where I could see my people, waiting for my husband to come down for the week, waiting to go home. At the end of 2023, I decided to come home and reassess what I wanted out of my career and life. It took me moving away in 2023 to realise a lot about myself, what I value and what I consider important in my life.

I started writing this at the beginning of 2024. It's now New Year's Eve, and a whole year has flown by. A year of unknowns where I had no job to wake up for every day. I had to figure out how I was going to spend my time while trying to pick up relief work to earn some money and contribute financially. It was scary but exciting at the same time. Freedom to do what I wanted alongside guilt for having that freedom. 2024 started with intense feelings of guilt. I felt guilty about being home a lot, I felt guilty about not contributing financially to my household, I felt guilty about having nothing to show for days when I didn't get relief. I just felt guilty all the time. It was uncomfortable and exhausting. I kept expecting my husband to come home and ask what on earth I'd been doing all day. I was so afraid he would grow to resent me having all this free time while he was working hard day after day. I felt like I had to make sure everything was done at home, cooking, cleaning, gardening etc just to have something to show for each day and to show my worth. I put so much pressure on myself to be productive forgetting that I had the year off to recover from burnout. Of course I was tired and needed rest all the time, but this still made me feel guilty. How did I let myself get to this point? Why did I ignore my gut over and over? I really didn't give myself a lot of grace or credit at all. Term 1 seemed to fly by where I took a few days of relief here and there. The guilt almost became too much to the point where I considered finding a job so it would subside. I'm happy to say I sat with that uncomfortable feeling and pushed through it (with my therapists help) and stuck to my plan of having the entire year off to reassess everything. It's really easy to make decisions out of fear which upon reflection is something I've done for a lot of my adult life. Fear of not being seen as 'successful'. Fear of not earning enough money. Fear of failure.

After about 3 months of feeling burnt out, exhausted and guilty, I built some healthy habits to give myself more structure and routine. Gym classes with my friends on maternity leave were a staple allowing me to move my body, yap and get cute baby fixes often. I took the pressure off myself by making small to do lists for each day. I cleaned out our house, got new furniture, tried out new recipes, and generally kept on top of everything at home which I really enjoyed after not living here in 2023. I gave myself permission to rest when my body was telling me it needed it (luteal phase every month was and still is a killer). Sometimes cooking dinner was the only thing I had to show for the day, and that was ok.

I enjoyed being able to plan my weeks of relief ahead of time so I knew what to expect. Sudden changes of plan don't agree with me so it was nice to control that aspect of my life. Being back in the classroom has been refreshing and a reminder of why I studied education in the first place. I spent the year really contemplating my career and what future (if any) I have in education. I strongly believed I'd know when the right opportunity presented itself. Every time I thought about going back to deputy work, I felt all those anxious, sick feelings return. I wasn't ready for that again. I decided teaching part time would be the best way to reintroduce myself to the job. I applied for a job and ended up winning a teaching position 3 days a week in 2025. The right opportunity did present itself and I took it.

I'm really proud of myself for setting an intention for the year and sticking to it. I set boundaries around work and what I'd accept for 2025, something I haven't wavered on which isn't usually the norm for me as a recovering people pleaser. I'll always look back at 2024 and remember how hard but also how rewarding it was. I learnt a lot about myself and did a lot of work to get to the point I'm at now. I learnt how important it is for me to be around and lean on my support network of fantastic friends and family. I finally see, accept and appreciate how incredibly supported I am from my husband and immediate family. I lost count of how many people commended me on taking this year for myself and was astounded by the support and positive energy I received from everyone. I really didn't believe I deserved that and certainly was not expecting everyone to be so supportive.

I learnt a lot this year. I am resilient and strong. I can build the life I want, not what others expect me to want. My best is good enough on any given day. Having a strong support network is everything. Lean on your people. Life truly is short so spending time and energy on things you enjoy with people you love really is it.