Career Changes

I'm really trying to give more time to this creative outlet this year...but it's August and I haven't posted since New Years Eve 2024. It's true what our parents used to tell us- time flies by faster as you get older. I can't believe it's already half way through Term 3 and I'm grappling with what I want to do next year. Stepping back into the classroom part time this year has been an experience that I'd like to share.

I told myself when I decided to accept a teaching job this year- if this doesn't feel right, I need to quit and pursue another career. Previous trauma and the anxiety of the unknown: new school, different demographic, new staff and admin, made for a lot of factors making me very nervous. I haven't set up my own classroom since the beginning of 2020. Would I remember what to do? Would I have the skills to teach alongside high performing staff? Lots of questions and intrusive thoughts flooded my head leading up to starting the school year.

Starting at a new school is always nerve wracking even when you are experienced and know what you're doing (somewhat). It's all the little nuances you have to wrap your head around that get me super anxious. My worst fear is looking like I don't know what I'm doing. But the school year started smoothly and I slowly settled into my new workplace. I forgot how much I missed being part of a teaching team and making those strong connections with the people who share experiences  with you daily. That's something I really missed when I was a deputy. It was quite isolating at times.

I honestly cannot believe the year I've had so far. I work with the most amazing team of people, supportive, hilarious and just fun people to share your days/traumas with. My class are absolutely amazing and just love to learn. I feel like I truly belong again and have felt the joy I used to feel at work that I lost for a few years there. I keep saying to myself- this return to teaching could not have gone smoother, I'm where I am meant to be. It feels like a sign that I'm not done with education yet, which feels so calming. I have more direction now and am very aware of my limits when it comes to work load and leadership. I want to prove myself but in my own way. Not by taking on way too much to try and show I can do it all. I have made that mistake before, and it's not sustainable for me. Hats off to the people who can juggle it all! This overwhelmed girlie is not one of those people. And that's ok. I just had to learn the hard way.

The ego part of stepping into the classroom again after being in a leadership role for a number of years is an interesting one. Am I a failure because I couldn't handle a more demanding job? Was I terrible leader? Am I meant to be working in this sector? It's difficult to dismantle the productivity mindset ingrained in us from an early age. Success=moving up the ladder in your respective profession. There's always something more to shoot for. I remember when I was deputy thinking, is this what 'success' feels like? Being overwhelmed and stressed all the time? But I get a decent pay cheque so that should balance it out right? It did not for me and it took me a few years to realise that. It's very sobering now to step back into the classroom and do what brings me joy and what I'm passionate about. I remember both my mum and sister telling me they haven't heard me speak about work positively since I was teaching and now I am again. I think I can lead successfully from the classroom again one day so I can witness the impact I make first hand. That's how I define success for myself now.

I still sometimes get the intrusive thoughts of- you aren't a mum, why are you working part time? Which is clearly something that has been living in my head rent free for a very long time. Grappling with the decision of whether or not to have kids is hard enough as a married woman in her mid 30s, why am I shaming myself for doing what feels right for me? It's been a process to unpack the capitalist/ productivity mindset and say to myself- no, I want to set up my life this way. There's actually no right or wrong way to live your life, only what we've been led to believe is the 'perfect' setup. I can honestly say for the first time ever, my life feels really balanced. Very calm which is a welcome change that sometimes feels very disconcerting and foreign for someone has been surrounded by chaos and unease most of her life.

Healing and really getting to know yourself and what you want out of life, not what society or friends/family want for you is an ongoing journey. There's a lot of stuff to grapple with and it isn't easy. But living the life you truly want to live is a very freeing feeling. I'm obviously very fortunate to have an amazing support system in my husband, family and close friends who without I could not have come this far in my career and personal journey.

Sometimes I finish writing these and think-what was the point of all that oversharing? Today I just wanted to share where I'm at and hopefully allow some other people to feel seen. Sometimes life is tricky and hard to navigate. As Kris Jenner would say, you're doing amazing sweetie!